akienm

Insights have been deep and thick this last 75 days.  Too many to write! Brain full error!

If you're a musician, you might need to watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjbpwlqp5Qw&;

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/philip_zimbardo_prescribes_a_healthy_take_on_time.html

This is a talk about how we perceive time. Whether we tend to have our attention on the positive or the negative, and whether in the past, present or future. It's a 7 minute talk and really worth it.

The talk links to this site:

http://www.thetimeparadox.com/

Which in turn links to this quiz:

http://www.thetimeparadox.com/surveys/ztpi/

My results:



According to him, the Optimal results:



Now admittedly, my results are based on who I've observed my behaviors to be over the last 10 years... And there have been a LOT of changes in the last 2 months. I don't know how to answer from experience for *me now*.

But even so, I have some ways to go yet...

I was reading this: http://thinkingthingsdone.com/signup/TheSelfHelpMyth.pdf

And it says:

...when you’re first learning the technique, your regulators are probably set to things like “learn something”, with a subgoal of “follow instructions”. So the first time, you literally do it because I told you to.

But when I look in my head, that's not at all what I see. Mine say "learn something" with a key emphasis on "figure out how it works". "Follow instructions" appears no where in the "learn something" part of my head.

That would explain some things...

One can't possibly have good boundaries with others if you don't have them with yourself

And by that I mean, good, positive, flexible, healthy boundaries... Not hard reactive ones.

Um... Wow.

Denying myself that ice cream in favor of my waist counts. Making time to deal with stuff that needs doing counts.

I know what I'm working on next....

Shortly after noon on July 8, comes the moment that can be called 12:34:56 7/8/9. Happens only once over the course of a century....

In the UK I suppose it'd happen on Aug 7...

I saw this phrase in print today, and I don't want to forget it:

The feeling was so strong, it must be true!

Feelings... Nothing more than feelings... Trying to forget my...

Feelings were at the root of my Two Years Of Hell. Feelings were how I measured that I was still IN the two years of hell.

Now I am more than my feelings, and that's a very good thing indeed.

I've just "unfriended" a whole lot of folks.

If you'd like me to add you back, please ask! I'm happy to do so if you're actually reading me.

As a note about access, almost everything I post is public. No matter how personal. I think I have less than half a dozen locked posts since 2002.  (The extreme openness is related to being beaten as a child and not wanting secrets because of that.)

This isn't personal, my friends list was kind of overwhelming me. It used to me that I used that list as a way of measuring my worth in the world. See! Lots of people like me! But that was my child's way of trying to own measuring his own value. The adult in me wants a managable list so I can try to actually do some keeping up with people again.

There were a lot of folks there I never really came to know, a lot of communities I used to spend time on, and even people who I know in real life who just haven't posted in forever. Also people I know, but who don't seem to read me anymore, nor have I read them in forever. It used to be a social tool, then it became overwhelming and a time sink.

I really don't like the way the friends thing on LJ works anyway. Who my "friends" are, who I read, and who I might give permission to read me are all different things. And I know you can do a lot of these things with filters, but even updating the filters was becoming overwhelming.

If I recognized your LJ name as someone I know, I kept you. If you'd commented in my LJ recently enough for me to remember you, or if your profile had pics of you, and I saw your face and remembered you as someone I am close to or want to be closer to, I kept you. If I knew you, but we haven't talked in ages and were never close, I didn't keep you. If I couldn't figure out who you were, I didn't keep you.

Again, if you'd like me to add you back, please ask! I'm happy to do so if you're actually reading me.

I imagine a BDSM therapist: You WILL be Reassured! NOW!

Someone said to me today: when i met you, you had an interactive presense on lj, you were using IM with a larger variety of people, you were teaching and leading discussion groups...

Yes. My life was centered around my primary relationship, and a tight integration between that relationship and the community.

And my life now is fragmented and without cohesion. And that needs to change.

The list below is *for me*, tho if I have missed something, I request you point it out to me...

This introduction is something I just need to say first.

In the past, I have sought the approval and acceptance of others. I have not looked to myself for that. And that, for me now, seems to be part of being a man. To seek my own approval first. I thought I could not trust my own sense of my value, and did not know what to do to develop that trust. And so I tried to please everybody.

I had a long debate with myself about posting this list, because I've been told over and over that people might read my words and think I am arrogant.

I have not been arrogant, I have been afraid. I have been afraid of what you would think of me. What everyone who read my words would think of me. And you know, this runs counter to something I in fact hold very dear and precious. This quote:

Live never to be ashamed if anything you say or do is published around the world, even if what is said is not true.
-Richard Bach, Illusions

For all my seeking approval of others, I have at the same time done my best to be a good person, and to create as much happiness as I could for everyone I knew. That is the epitaph of the boy in me.

For now, being a man seems to mean starting with taking stock of what I can feel confident about *now*, and then starting to build on that.

Some things I am aware of being confident about now:

• My sense of what is right
• My ability to create delightful flavor when cooking
• My knowledge of female anatomy and how to use it
• My understanding of relationship dynamics - tho I am not as clear on the "how to use it" front as I am the sex part
• Speaking in public
• My ability to figure out things that I am unfamiliar with
• My ability to see with my hands, the way a blind person does
• My ability to observe my own physical being and identify what's not right or what the effect of something is
• My ability to find ways to improve systems
• My ability with words
• My ability to create love and affection in my life
• My ability to read people, their faces, their emotions
• My ability to do almost anything with almost nothing

In the past the boy I was has asked others to tell me my value. Today the man in me asks you to tell me what I have forgotten, and I will keep this list, and the practice that shall come from it, for myself. To remind myself. To help me know my value.

Do I really need to say anything else?

http://www.empowerthyself.com/tacticalcorsets/

Define the new me, part 123,826,281

confidence, lightheartedness, humor and independence

i make my reservations about anything and everything abundantly clear from the outset, both to myself and whomever else my be interested, and i do it with lightheartedness and humor... as well as determination

now to find a way to turn stubborn determination (a passive place) into planned movement (an active place)

This lovely dessert is an approximation, I've made it differently each time, but I think it's starting to stabilize now.

Warning, it takes a long time to make, and all of this only makes enough for 4 to 8 people.

2 bottles champagne (I've been using Cook's Brut, not an amazing wine, but adequate to the task)
3/4 C Muscat (Contreau works too)
1 Vanilla bean
Nutmeg (fresh grated)
White pepper
Thyme (dried and finely grated)
Salt
2 Tbsp flour
a couple of mint leaves per serving, plus 3 extra
good white or dark (or both) chocolate

Various fruit:
Something with a very mildly fibrous body, i used Peaches this time, but apples, pears, apricots, anything along those lines would work.
I also used a couple of pears, an apricot, some strawberries, and an orange.

Zest the orange. Put all ingredients except fruit, mint and chocolate into large pan (sprinkle or sift flour in so as to not clump up) and bring to a boil. Slit the vanilla bean down the length, and scrape the insides into the pan. Drop the bean in when done too. Add the orange zest. Turn up heat to medium. Experiment with the levels of the seasoning. You shouldn't really taste the thyme, salt or pepper... They should just counter the sweet some.

Next I removed the skins and pits from the peaches and added those right away. Keep at a high simmer.

While all that's going on, thinly slice one strawberry per serving, and grate the chocolate very fine. Cut up the rest of the fruit into chunks or slices as you see fit. You want a variety of shapes and sizes.

Cook until the liquid has reduced by at least half (we want it pretty thick). Squash the fruit you've already cooked with a potato masher.

Once the first round of fruit has been mashed, add the remaining fruit (except the orange) to the "stew" a little at a time while continuing to cook. This will result in some of the fruit being more cooked than other parts. That is the desired effect. The last of it, and the 3 extra mint leaves, should go in within 2 minutes of removal from the heat.

When all the fruit is in, and the liquid has cooked down enough to be pretty thick, remove from heat. Remove the mint leaves and the vanilla bean.

Ladle the stew into bowls. Put 2 mint leaves into each bowl, and then add strawberry slices in an attractive pattern. I used the mint as the "leaves" and the strawberry slices as the "petals" to make a "flower" in each one. Add an orange slice or two. Then sprinkle on just a little of the chocolate.

At this point you can either serve hot (very, very good!)
OR chill overnight and serve cold (might actually be a tiny bit better)

my eyes are damp, but i'm not completely sure why
i am filled with feelings, moving too fast to even be idnetified
the loudest notes are pain and mourning
this is the boy dieing

the boy seeks validation from without
the man must find it within 

The Child in me
Wants the adults around me
Including my partners
To take care of me
Make sure I don't have to feel
Those things that
Discomfort me

I read the writings of another
Who said that the boy must die
So the man can be
I can see it in me
The pain the boy feels
At not having someone take care
Clearly that means
He's not worth it

The man in me
Is sad for the child
And is discomfited by the feeling
At the same time
He knows that I am the one
That must take care

I must reflect before it happens
I must think it though
I must take care
I must face it
I must feel it
I must stand alone
I must learn what I want
I must know where I'll compromise
I must stand when I will not
I must be

I open up my mind
Seeing into the machinery

Stimulus to story
Story to feeling
Feeling to meaning
Meaning to story
Loops of anxiety

Unconscious secrets revealed
I reach in, to begin

Note to self, be this guy:  Life is meant to be lived. Never miss an opportunity to get your hands dirty and look like a hero.

I've been doing a lot of self work since the beginning of the year. I've worked on identity, being a man, mastering reactivity, strengthening my sense of self, laying in new reactive patterns, being more conscious... a whole host of things all at the same time.

I've become clear that I am working on reengineering my identity to be more effective at getting me what I want from life. And that unlike software, because of the nature of the brain, this involves some experimentation and a lot of practice.

I've been performing Yoga on my Identity. Identity Yoga™. I like the term.

Clearly I need to learn to not react to their idiosyncrasies :)

It feels like that is about knowing who I am, what I want, where I'm going, and whether or not we're headed there.

So I need to become a man with a plan.

If I really knew what I wanted, the substance of the last post would have been very different.

Up to now, I wanted a lot of sex, a companion for doing things who had some ideas of what she'd like to do, i wanted comfort, i wanted to make people's lives happier.

But wanting those things seems to have resulted in a lot of pain. In the distant past, my idiosyncrasies in pursuing those has driven my partners nuts, and driven them away. More recently, my companion's idiosyncrasies have driven me nuts. Maybe being driven nuts is just part of the game.

But for me, it seems that being a man at least in part has to do with having my own sense of direction.

And therein lies the rub, to have that, I have to know what I want, and what I want hasn't been working...

When I started thinking about wanting to be a man, I didn't realize it was going to loop right back into the same much of the last 2 years. I hope this is at least spiraling out.

I want to fly, i want to dance, i want to make people's lives better, i want someone to do things with who i feel attracted to and who's easy for me to get along with. That last one seems to be the hardest part.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a man. What it means for me.

I still don't know completely what it means, but I know this, it means some changes in how I am spending my time. And what words i use.

I've been referring to myself as boy my entire life. Even lately, as I've been working on being "more responsible", I've referred to myself as ResponiBoy! And I recognize that this helps keep me in the model of boy. Keeps my thinking there. It's both a very big shift to be trying to think and speak differently, but it's also a shift with zillions of small subtleties.

Now I need to make time to actually think about what I want, rather than responding to the wants of others. Or even just going with the day to day patterns of life.

http://wolfsjunkyard.wordpress.com/2009/05/12/spareship/

just junk, but fun junk...

This quote really struck me:

...If you look at something as though it must have a solution, then you are already well on your way to finding it.  And conversely, if you're seeing the world through an experience of frustration and defeat, you'll find only more of that, too.

I look at EVERYTHING as though it has a solution. Now there's a problem with that too, as sometimes I get overwhelmed by it. But it does serve me well most of the time.

Here's the rest of the article this is from:
http://dirtsimple.org/2009/05/how-we-get-stuck.html

http://www.structuredprocrastination.com/

and from there, i found this:

http://www.structuredprocrastination.com/light/perfectionism.php

I know i've felt like i've never done anything perfectly at all.

thyroid test came back low!

that might explain some things...

i hate panic attacks

 I appear to have wracked my back pretty seriously on Sunday. It's now been professionally adjusted 3 times since then, and is not holding the adjustment. I am not taxing myself in any way, including writing for Ramblings for the moment. More as I know it...

http://dirtsimple.org/2009/02/everything-i-needed-to-know-about-life.html
(nicked from http://patrissimo.livejournal.com/1090631.html)

I've been thinking about this a lot because as a male, I am socialized that I am supposed to be a hero.

I need to keep thinking about that...

BACON WRAPPED SHRIMP  

A Different View

we trees stand proudly
watching over land and time
slowly noticing the fast moving
creatures dancing in the water
the light of the warm day star
sparkling from their bark

i am entertaining to listen to

One Letter Off

w9j3 eq6w r33o o8i3 e43qjw
5y3 9n3w 2y343 697 o3qf3 6974 0qh5w q5 y9j3
qhe 3f3h 8r 5yq5[s h95 5y3 0yqh5qwj 5yq5 0oqt73w 697
w58oo 5y343 q43 9ddqw89hqoo6 5y9w3 eq6w
5yq5 q43 u7w5 9h3 o35534 9rr.

(some days feel like dreams
the ones where you leave your pants at home
and even if that's not the phantasm that plagues you
still there are occasionally those days
that are just one letter off.)

i do not ignore important things, and sometimes i haven't yet figured out what to do with them

i give myself permission to just feel good

there won't be one today, as I am having a crappy day.

i am just going to go back and reread all the already posted ones.

i wish for you a happy day.

it is in the moment of reflection that meaning exists

"this or that" is better as "this and that"... and it's very important where you put the "and"...

Sometimes I miss the certainties of the past....

*crying*

I just got locked out of Gmail for "Unusual Account Activity"...

My whole life is in there! Most of my contacts, all of my current scheduling, argh!

I was paging through the spam looking at some word counts in order to build better filters.

[vile language censored]

i give myself the permission and the responsibility to access to all of my strengths

i remember to turn work into play, into a passion, whenever i can. it makes it easier on my ADD brain...